Alcohol

The college experience has changed a lot over the years, the difficulty of classes, the most common majors, the housing. But there is one thing that has remained as part of college culture for the past million years. That would be the drinking.

Being a college student now, I need to make this very transparent before my own university adventure begins, because a lot of people ask me questions about it for some reason, and a lot more will.

I don't get stone cold drunk. I just don't do it. I don't see any point at all in getting drunk, and I have infinite reasons why I don't. People ask me about this, why I don't drink, and quite frankly, it pisses me off. But instead of telling you to shove a bottle of Smirnoff up your ass, I'll make a list of reasons why I don't drink much, and will refuse to in college. Maybe you can understand my logic.

First off, before you mock me for being dry, excuse me if I tell you to fuck yourself, because, ironically, I have been drinking for years, maybe decades longer than you. Confused? Although I am one myself, I look at young Americans from an foreigner's point of view. Having lived in Europe, where there is no legal drinking age and children can consume alcohol, I am absolutely disgusted with young America. I am completely ashamed with the sickeningly high percentage of American kids get fucked up on booze because they think they're hot shit. I can't be kind about this, because it gives ME a bad name, residing in this group myself, a group that is represented by stupid, drunk IDIOTS. People from other countries do not understand why you, and I say you because I refuse to associate myself with the grog-happy population, drink so excessively. You see, when it is legal to drink at any age across the pond, they don't have any reason to use the stuff much, because there's no "fun" in getting it illegally. So, having lived in that culture, I don't have any reason to sneak it out and feel cool, because I'm allowed to drink whenever I damn want anyway. I know a lot of people who would be out flat day in and day out if they had that privilege, but that's why I have it, because I have a little bit of what they call SELF-CONTROL.

Secondly, people who drink, tend to drive. They do not think clearly when they are drunk. Correction, they don't think at all. I know this first hand, because I have literally dragged drunks out from behind the wheels of their cars kicking and screaming because they don't have the sense to get a ride. That said, to let you know, I would gladly knock all of your teeth out of your mouth and break every bone in your body before letting you get behind that wheel. Sounds sadistic and violent, yes, but considering the damage done to people I know by drunk drivers, I would gladly murder the drunk driver with my own two hands and ten fingers than allow them to kill another innocent victim of the bottle. Were you not watching at the every 15 minutes presentation? Didn't you hear the messages that have been pounded into your head for the last six years? If you didn't, I must say you are a blind, deaf, ignorant fuck, and I have no hope or sympathy for you whatsoever. I have known people shot through the head by the bullet of excessive drinking, who I can no longer speak to because of fermented hops and a bad decision. I can't bring them back, and so I do all I can to prevent others from joining them in the early grave.

Thirdly, there is always the risk of dependency. I can see people I know right now who are plunging into the bottomless pit of alcoholism, and it is torture for me to watch them fall. It is a drug, and it will destroy you if you don't use it wisely. It will destroy those close to you as well. Alcohol can grasp a normal, happy family by the neck and throw them through the meat grinder. Not all drunks are happy drunks, and those unhappy campers murder their relationships with people they love when sober. I have seen this as well. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but booze and words will shatter connections with those you care for. This doesn't happen, of course, when you've had a few too many at a party, but it can still be one of the most adverse effects the drink can have over time.

Number four is a reason that I feel especially strong about. I am mine. I control my own life, everything from what I think to what I say, to which way I'm going to turn my head. I make decisions every second that change the path of my life's journey. I drive a metaphorical car of my life. And if the driver of that car were under the influence, I could metaphorically crash that metaphorical car, do something, say something, whatever, that I would later deeply regret. You do not control yourself when you are drinking, and dammit don't even try to tell me otherwise. I like to be in control, to be on top, and dammit that isn't meant to be funny. I refuse to let anything wrench the driver's seat away from me. I don't do Chinese fire drills in my metaphorical car. I am in control and will stay in control.

Here's number 5: it's expensive. It's nearly 27 dollars for a 1.75 bottle of Smirnoff. Why? Why would I pay 27 dollars, plus alcohol tax, for a bottle of gasoline? That shit is so concentrated that my unleaded 4-cylinder can't run on it. Think of what you can do, or what you can get for 27 dollars. Where is that money going? You are buying yourself an evening absent of thinking or memory, and a searing headache. Great economic management.

Another reason is...I don't get it. Seriously, what the fuck. If I am going to go to a good party, I want to remember how much fun I had, how awesome the music was, and who I talked to. I want to remember her phone number, not how much I regret meeting her in the first place. I do not understand why I would want to walk around like a giddy idiot, say really jumbled, retarded things to people, throw up a few times to add to the fun, and spend the night passed out with my face in the shitter. I want to wake up tomorrow with good memories, not with a migraine. I don't get it.

I don't need it. What most people don't know is that the endorphins produced by the endocrine system in the human body are immensely stronger than any synthetic drug, alcohol included. What does that mean? It means that I get a much stronger rush out of going 65mph down a ski slope than from drinking a bottle of Strawberry Bacardi. I'll also burn a load of calories and build up those hunky muscles too. Granted, if it's a mogul hill, I might need some Jack & Coke at the bottom to ease the burning numbness in my knees. People come up with all of these phrases, "_____ is my anti-drug." I don't need anything to consciously keep me away from the junk, I am happy enough with being alive and having fun that I don't need to drink. I guess you could say life is my anti-drug.

This resolution will stand. You can try to bribe, convince, or otherwise change my determination, but I'll save you the trouble by telling you now that I am much too headstrong for any of that to alter my philosophy of life and how I live it.

Don't joke about my decision. It could save you a lot of trouble. If I were you, I would take advantage of my stubbornness, and hand me your keys. I'll gladly sacrifice a night of my time so you can have a good time and not have to worry about anything except the massive hangover you'll have the next morning, while I go skiing. I don't mind you drinking, as long as it doesn't totally control who you are, or try to control who I am. Because at that point, you are no longer yourself. You are a faceless bottle, like hundreds of thousands of other American kids. I'll still go to the parties with you, sure, but I won't let any amount of liquid wash me of my individuality, ideals, and resolve.



Cheers.

Current Mood: Irritated

Listening To: "Another Good Reason (Not to Drink)" by Alan Jackson